Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Okay. Hey, there. This is Shanna Williams, and you listen to the Grace and Grit Mindset podcast.
[00:00:09] I just want to sit with you today a little bit, and this is going to be a little bit different episode. And if you've noticed, I haven't been on here in a few weeks, it's because another traumatic event has happened in my life. So it's kind of caused me to have to take a step back and kind of just let the Lord heal my heart a little bit. But.
[00:00:31] But I want to do this podcast today, and I'm going to try to keep myself from crying about.
[00:00:40] I guess it's been almost two weeks ago. My little dog, Lex, which I talk about in my book and I talk about on this podcast, sometimes you'll hear her little feet clicking in the background, and I think she even barked once or twice. But she was kind of my buddy, and she hung out with me. Well, she was my buddy. She was my best friend, and she hung out with me in my office all the time. So you probably heard her sometimes. But she. About three weeks ago, we discovered a swollen lymph node on her neck.
[00:01:13] And, you know, I thought over the weekend, I think we'll just see if it comes down by Monday. And it didn't. So that next Monday, we made an appointment, got her into the vet, and the vet said, well, let's just see if it's an infection. Let's just give her antibiotics. And so we tried to do that for a couple days and noticed it was getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then it looked like some kind of growth was happening on the side of her neck, all the way around her neck.
[00:01:41] She started really urinating, constantly, drinking tons of water, not eating as much. So we knew something serious was going on. And so we had to take her back in that Friday, thinking they were just gonna say, hey, you know, yeah, she. She does have cancer, but we thought we would have a little more time with her. And. But my husband took her in that Friday, and she had tumors. They did an X ray, and they did test to see, you know, what was in that.
[00:02:15] That growth. And it was lymphoma. And.
[00:02:18] And it was to the point where, because our kidneys were shutting down, and it just didn't. It would have been cruel to let her live through that. So we decided to euthanize her. And it was horrible, to say the least. It's been extremely difficult. So I just wanted to jump on here because I just wanted you to know if you're going through something super hard and you're grieving, you're not alone. And even if it is your dog, even if it's your cat, even if it's something, maybe a relationship ended, or maybe you're walking through financial disaster, which I have done so many times, maybe it's just something really hard. You've lost something very dear to you. I just want you to know you're not alone. And honestly, you know, I'm probably the most honest podcaster, teacher, author, one of the most honest people out there. Because I don't talk to you from a place of having it all together. I talk to you from where I really am.
[00:03:26] And this is a really hard place. And so the last, the first few days after it happened, my husband and I were both tore up. He was just as bad as I was. He was the one that actually was there to euthanize her. I didn't go to the appointment and I don't think I could have handled it. So he did it for both of us, but it really messed him up too, and he didn't realize how attached he was to her. She was kind of like our baby. And so she was the closest thing we would ever have to a child together.
[00:04:02] So we, our whole kind of life revolved around Lex and the routines that we had with her and letting her out for the bathroom in the morning, giving her medication or feeding her at 4:30 every day and in the morning and playing with her and taking her outside and taking her on trips with us and everything just kind of revolved around her.
[00:04:23] But we loved her. She was like this little burstick joy and energy.
[00:04:30] And so it's just been really hard.
[00:04:33] But I just want to come on here today and honor her life by just talking about her a little bit. But also, if you're grieving, I just want to give you some things that some practical applications of dealing with grief.
[00:04:47] And because it is, it is difficult and it is a process. And anyone who tells you that grief is linear has never been through it or grief should only last x amount of time, you should be whatever over it. And so in a certain amount of time, they have no idea what they're talking about because everyone grieves differently. But I do want to comfort you with some, some words today from Psalm 147. 3 God heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds. And I love that scripture because of the verb, the action verb of him binding our wounds.
[00:05:26] Because you know, wound is not, isn't something that's instantly healed. It has to be Bandaged. Sometimes, like our heart, we have to have someone to tend to. It has to be cared for, protected, cleaned.
[00:05:39] And when God is binding up our wounds, it still hurts for a while.
[00:05:45] So the thing is, God doesn't promise that the grief will disappear overnight.
[00:05:52] But what he does promise in this scripture and what I love is that he promises that he would be the one tending the wound.
[00:05:59] And that is the, the hope and the consolation that we can take from this is that we are. None of us are going to be immune to traumatic things or having to walk through grief.
[00:06:15] Anyone who loves deeply will grieve deeply. That is the price tag for love, is grief.
[00:06:23] Because if you truly love someone, when something happens, when they leave this earth or when they're in pain or suffering, there is a. There's a deep grief. And we even see that in the way that Jesus grieved with Lazarus. And he was so touched by the pain of the people who loved Lazarus. But also, I think in his heart, when he comes to his tomb, I think also there's a pain and a grief within him because he knew that Lazarus had been. Had hurt as well. That there probably was this time in Lazarus's life at the end where he was wondering where, where Jesus was because they had sent word for him and he didn't come. So God is not detached or standing aloof, I guess, from us in these moments of deep grief. Although it feels that way, it does feel like you're kind of alone when you're walking through grief. And you know, the crazy thing is that my little dog, Lex was my little therapy dog that got me through grief.
[00:07:25] In those previous eight years of my life, I had gone through super traumatic things. I had. My divorce of 24 years had ended.
[00:07:34] I became a completely empty nester, alone by myself. I had never been alone. My daughter got married and moved out right before my ex husband filed for divorce. And I had to find a job and support myself. All these things I never fully had to do by myself. It was overwhelming.
[00:07:56] And then I married Mike about, I don't know, six or seven months after that, eight months after that, I guess. And so, you know, we had our own trauma we've walked through. I'm sure you, you know about some of that if you listen to me very much. But I would encourage you to go listen to the Marriage Altar podcast because our story is there. Well, we go through the entire thing and then we also have marriage podcast episodes. We talk about different, different things concerning marriage and how to make your marriage better, how to Deal with trauma, how to overcome things in your marriage. So I talk about that a lot. But Mike and I went through so much trauma with his suicide attempt, his infidelity. And so Lex was like my therapy dog. And she.
[00:08:44] She was really helping me cope with grief. And so I lost the person or the animal that was helping me deal with all my issues and grief that I had walked through. So it was very painful because she wasn't just a dog that I had outside that I, you know, saw every once watch. She was literally my companion. So it was so hard, and I know it's still hard. And I don't know that I'll ever fully get over this situation.
[00:09:15] I'll never have another dog. I know that.
[00:09:18] But I'm so grateful. I just try to stay so grateful for her life and what she meant and how she helped me. But God is not detached from that pain. He knows that we love.
[00:09:30] And I just want to give you some practical things to hold on to, because you can get really lost in grief when you're going through it.
[00:09:38] And I just want to encourage you, number one, one, to let yourself grieve.
[00:09:42] And I just want to say you don't have to be strong all the time.
[00:09:47] You can let your guard down sometimes. And tears aren't a lack of faith. They're often the evidence of the love that we had.
[00:09:58] So give yourself permission to grieve. You know, some people, I noticed, they stuff things down. They don't even allow themselves to grieve. I don't know if you're that kind of person, but there's been times in my life, especially when Mike, with the suicide attempt and the infidelity, I was in a place where I couldn't even let myself grieve because I was having to hold everything down. At home, when he went into the behavioral hospital because he was on suicide watch.
[00:10:28] And then I had to fully support his financially. So I felt like I couldn't even let myself grieve because I had to do everything, which is in some ways true, but in some ways God was really helping me. And what I should have done is just realize that he was holding me up. And he was, and I see that now, but then I think I was just. So I went into complete survival mode and didn't let myself grieve. It was months before I could really grieve. Honestly feel like it took about six months before I was able to grieve because I. Before that, I had to, like, hold it all together all the time. And.
[00:11:04] But there Is there comes a time when you do have to let yourself grieve. There is no way through grief, but through it.
[00:11:11] And I also want to say one of the things you need to do in a season of grief would be the second thing here is to lower your expectations for a season.
[00:11:21] Because the truth is, grief takes energy.
[00:11:24] So more than likely you won't be able to accomplish everything that you normally did before that, because it's so. It's so. So much like when you hurt yourself physically in your body. It takes a lot of strength and energy for our bodies to heal themselves. It takes a lot of rest, takes a lot of just stopping, you know, the crazy and the busyness of your schedule so that you can heal.
[00:11:52] And there's a limit to that. I wouldn't say just drop everything and don't do anything, because I think that's actually dangerous, to just get it so far into the grief that you can't do anything.
[00:12:01] But there is definitely a slowing down to allow yourself some time to grieve.
[00:12:07] And number three, keep simple routines.
[00:12:12] This is super important, and it may not feel like it, because when you're in grief, really, if you're anything like me, you. You struggle with depression. I already did struggle with depression. So too have to deal with grief. And the depression that comes with that is a whole other level. So what I. What I started doing immediately was I told Mike, okay, we missed going to the gym for a few weeks here because we've been dealing with things.
[00:12:41] But I want to.
[00:12:43] I want to keep that routine in my life. So I. We would go to that. We still do. We still go to the gym. Sometimes I go for walks.
[00:12:51] But these small things of just caring for yourself, like eating the best that you can or eating at all, because sometimes when you're in grief, you don't eat at all. And it's super challenging. But trying your best to keep these routines is really important because it's caring for yourself. But it's also, I think, a way that we can pull ourselves out of grief a little bit. What I mean by that is I tried to explain this to Mike the other day. I said what I feel like I need to do is allow myself to cry sometimes during the day. But I can't do that all day long because it's overwhelming to me. So I have these little pockets every day or two where I just sit down and I cry and I let myself grieve and I think about her and I look at pictures or anything else or videos that I have of her. And I just let myself grieve and.
[00:13:47] But I can't do it all the time. So that's why these simple routines keep you from being just steeped in grief to the point that you can't stop thinking about it.
[00:13:56] And on top of that, number four is to not isolate yourself. I really think this is so important because having people in your life, whether it be your spouse, family, your church, but letting them help you in some ways carry the weight of that grief, is absolutely one of the best things you can do because we. We aren't created to grieve alone. Now, I do like a little bit of isolation, so I can cry or whatever, but to have too much of that is not okay. You want someone in your life who's able to say, hey, you know, let me take some sweat off you. Let me help you. I don't want you to do this alone.
[00:14:41] Just the companionship of another person is so important. It's not that they can make everything better, but they just lift the load a bit, a little bit, and you don't feel so alone.
[00:14:53] Okay, so number five is, is give your mind somewhere healthy to go.
[00:15:02] And this can be tricky because, you know, your. Your mind goes to. And I've done this already. Was like, what if I had known sooner, if I had noticed she was in a couple months before then, could I have done something to. I don't think we could have prevented lymphoma. It was going to happen, but. Or even when she was younger, is it something I did? Was it the food I gave her? Should I have given her more expensive food? Should I have got her checked more often? And I mean, like, you can go over and over and over that kind of stuff and kind of beat yourself up.
[00:15:35] So there has to be some level of saying, okay, I did the best I could and it was her time to go. And so I had to, like, let my mind go somewhere healthy with. With like, letting it be okay. This was. This was God's will. This was not my fault.
[00:15:53] This was just part of life. I don't understand it. She wasn't even 8 years old in my mind before this happened. I thought she had four more years at least. So I wasn't even thinking about her being in a place where she was about to die.
[00:16:09] So there's a lot of blaming myself and my husband as well. Like, he remembers every time he yelled at her or she got on his nerves, that kind of thing.
[00:16:19] But you can't live in.
[00:16:22] Living in this place of blaming yourself and guilt because it wasn't your fault. It was part of life, and it was her time to go, is what I had to come to that resolution of. And I still have to.
[00:16:36] Number six. This is hard, but give yourself permission to smile.
[00:16:41] I think most of us feel super guilty when we laugh after a loss like this.
[00:16:47] And as if our joy means our loved one has stopped loving or we've stopped loving.
[00:16:55] Yeah, it's not that we stopped loving. It's just that it's crazy because it's like joy and sorrow can exist together.
[00:17:01] It's the weirdest thing. Like, I can be crying, and Mike and I are both crying, but we can also have this funny memory about Lex that makes us laugh and smile, and it doesn't dishonor that person. It's. I think, in some ways, it's honoring their memory.
[00:17:18] And I also think, well, what would Lex want me to do if I. If she were here? Well, she wouldn't want me to go outside and run and play.
[00:17:25] That's who she was.
[00:17:28] And it's okay if I smile and laugh, because that's what she would have wanted. That's what she brought to my life.
[00:17:34] Sorry, guys. I'm trying really hard.
[00:17:36] Okay, number seven. Expect grief to come in waves.
[00:17:40] Expect grief to come in ways. So it's crazy because, you know, one day I feel like I'm. I'm really okay. And it. I feel like, okay. I think I'm good.
[00:17:48] And then the next day, I can hear something, or I can look over in my office and see her dog bed is gone and she's not here. Or I can walk in the house from being gone a while and have this, like, moment where I forget she's not here. And I almost say, lex, I'm home.
[00:18:05] It's so hard.
[00:18:07] It's part of the journey. And I want to say, you know, these waves.
[00:18:12] Grief comes in waves. And at first, it's like you're drowning in an ocean and you can't catch your breath.
[00:18:18] But as it goes along, you do become more stabilized, and the waves aren't as big and overpowering.
[00:18:30] It's still there, but it seems like it has less of a catastrophic, overwhelming feeling in your heart. It lasts for just a few minutes, and then for me, anyway. And I can't imagine, like, if it's. If you lost a person. I'm sure it's much more difficult than it is to lose an animal. So I don't want to downplay that, but I would say in the same regard that it is getting easier for Me of losing my dog.
[00:18:58] I feel like it's the same way in a human relationship. It hurts. It hurts so bad that you can't even breathe.
[00:19:05] But I think over time and just allowing the Lord to heal you and walking through this process, because it is.
[00:19:14] And doing some of these things that I'm talking about, it will get easier to navigate these waves that do hit you.
[00:19:23] And number eight, remember that healing doesn't mean forgetting. Remember that healing doesn't mean forgetting. Because it can feel like if I feel a little bit guilty, if I forget about her, or like I'm even afraid I'm going to forget, like, her what her face looks like or the noises she made or how she flipped. And when we went outside, she would twist and flip and jump and just like. And then run at me like she was playing. I don't want to forget that, you know, And I'm so glad that I have pictures and I have videos of her doing those things. But it doesn't mean that I forget those things.
[00:20:05] It's just that when there'll come a time for you as well and for me where, when I do remember, it's from a place of gratitude. It's from a place of healed. A healed place. I still love her, but the ache is not there as much as it was before. And I truly do believe a lot of that's because we realize, especially with relationships with other people, and if they were believers, we know that we're going to see them again.
[00:20:35] And I do believe in my heart, and I have no proof of this honestly, but I do believe our animals that we loved will be there. I just. I just know the Lord and how much he loves to give us things.
[00:20:50] And I feel like if he knows that we loved this little animal so much, I feel like he'll put that animal there for us again. I have no proof of this. I can just tell you that the day that the weekend after she died was on a Friday. We went to church on Sunday. And of all days, I have very rarely seen this in the last. Because, like, you know, the song I Can only imagine is like 20 something years old now, probably.
[00:21:17] And of all the days that our church would sing it, they sang it that day.
[00:21:23] And it was. I felt like it was the Lord speaking to me. And like.
[00:21:28] Like, imagine. Imagine her. You can only imagine this, but she's here with me. I just felt like in my heart that's what he was saying to me.
[00:21:37] And it brought me comfort because one of my fears and one of the things that hurt the most was like, I'll never see her again.
[00:21:44] But I feel like I will.
[00:21:47] I really. I really will. And that brought me some comfort. So the truth is, God doesn't erase our memories, but he does heal the wounds so we can remember with gratitude and not so much pain. And I know that's true because I had another dog that I had for 12 years. And she was very dear to me, just like Lex. I just had her in a different season in my life. My life wasn't as traumatic I thought it was back then, but it wasn't, but was hard. And I remember grieving a lot with her as well. But I wasn't alone. I had.
[00:22:27] You know, I had a family around me at the time. So I don't remember it being this hard.
[00:22:31] But what I do know is when I think about. Her name was Ginger. When I think about my first little dog, Ginger, I laugh.
[00:22:40] I. I just think about the funny things she did. And I don't have, like, a deep sense sadness anymore in my heart. So I do know that healing happens, and it does change our perspective.
[00:22:53] And I just want to leave you. This is not a super long episode today, but I just want to leave you with this.
[00:23:00] This thought from Psalm 147 Again, I want to read that one more time for you. He heals the broken heart and he binds up their wounds. And so I don't want you, if you're grieving, to feel like God is scolding you or rushing you.
[00:23:15] According to this scripture, it says that he binds up our wounds. And that's the picture that I want us to carry with us right now, is that he's tending to us. Maybe. Maybe we can't feel it. I don't know if you've ever broken a bone or had to be in the hospital, but you know, when your nurse or doctor or loved one has to wrap your wound or unwrap it to treat it or whatever, you're not thinking about that person being there with you. You're thinking about how much that pain, how much it hurts, that, you know how much it hurts. What they're doing right now, they're. They're tending to the wound. So I feel like that's some of the reason we can't feel God. A lot of times in our grief is because we're in so much pain that anything he is doing, we're just not aware of it. But I really believe that he is constantly sending reminders to us that he's with us and that he loves Us, whether that be through our loved ones or him giving you something special that day, like the day that he gave me that song at church, or just little things that. That we know are reminders because they're so personal for you. It might be maybe something you see in nature that. Like a butterfly, or maybe you see something that just is. It's a.
[00:24:41] It's a very clear message to you from God that He's with you. And I just want to encourage you to look for those things, because even though you can't feel him right now in the moment, I promise you he's with you.
[00:24:53] And if you look around you, if you can just pull yourself out of the grief enough to look around you and notice that he's still doing things and sending you reminders and messages that he loves you. And even through the people that love you, let them love you and let them be an extension to you of how he feels about you and how he is binding up your wounds.
[00:25:15] So I. I don't know. Just. I hope that this helps you today. I hope that.
[00:25:19] I don't want to say I've encouraged you because it's hard to be encouraged when you're in grief, but it can be comforting to you. I guess I'll say that I pray that this message comforts you in some way, meets you right where you're at.
[00:25:33] And I'm sorry that you're grieving right now. If you are, and I understand, I'm right there with you. But he is the God who binds up our wounds and he never leaves us.
[00:25:46] So, yeah, I want to just pray us out today. Father, I thank you that you are the good shepherd and the great physician, and you're always with us, leading us, guiding us, but also binding our wounds, even in ways we don't understand or can see.
[00:26:00] And I just pray for anyone listening who's really struggling with grief right now that you would send them a tangible sign that you are with them in their grief. Whether it's something small that it doesn't. Maybe wouldn't mean something to anyone else, but to this specific person, it's a clear sign that you are with them and that you're binding their wounds and you're tending to them. I thank you so much for your love and your care.
[00:26:28] And I thank you that you hold all of these things dear in your heart. All these people we've lost or animals we want, you hold those. Hold. Hold those dearly in your heart for us.
[00:26:38] And it matters to you because it. It matters to us.
[00:26:43] And I thank you for your goodness. In Jesus name, Amen.
[00:26:47] Thanks friends for listening and I hope next week when I come back I can start a new series with you.
[00:26:56] That will be encouraging and until then I pray that you are blessed. Hey, make sure you check out shannonwilliams.com for blogs and resources and other podcasts. Make sure you like and subscribe wherever you do listen to Prayer Podcast so that you can not miss an episode. And until then, I'll see you soon.
[00:27:17] Bye.
